big day

Just ended my first major deployment. With so much gratitude in me I've been dying to pour these feelings out in words. I don't know how many paragraphs of thanks I've typed out. Just because I'm bad with spoken words, and also saying them out makes me wanna cry.

I felt so incompetent throughout the preparation stages. Of course everyone could answer my queries - but there were a lot of things I messed up because I didn't know better, so I never asked anyone. But thanks to team, I am beyond grateful - I don't know how many times I have said this - forever. 

Working with super competent and the kindest people is so, satisfying, and a super morale booster. I recall evenings where I OT in office and got questioned by J and H. "Just go home." And I always say I have shit to do, I need to complete that day because it's bugging me. They make me list out my to-do list then mocked me and chided me for not delegating. They both then took over the disgustingly painful tasks of consolidating logistical requirements and planning of exercise. When I say took over, I mean they really take it from me without my delegation. They took a bulk of worries off my mind and I'm forever thankful. I can't help but think how miserable and clueless I would be, if not for them.

J is very detailed and explained things to me often on the processes. He will tell me why something is needed because Dept A and Dept B need to prepare for whatever. J is also the person that tries to pull me back into a structured office hours by reminding me to go home and eat whenever I OT. 

H is very ops-oriented and very smart, his first question to me is always, "Whats the outcome you want to achieve?" Then tell me how to work from there. H has always been a mentor to me so when we started being more playful in office we became the loudest neighbours. So when he gives words of encouragement, it meant a lot to me because they are always sincere and genuine. 

R is a quieter version of J. Or rather, J's habits is always sharing upfront, while R does so patiently when prompted. So I don't go to J for repeated questions as he might scold me, but I go to R. What I appreciate is her patience and responsiveness, not that I was taking advantage of her kindness.

Which is why it made me feel extra bad throughout this event. I felt like everything was poorly coordinated. I didn't tell them exactly what I needed them to do and had them at my dispense for >24 hours. That's really not fair for them. I relied heavily on their expertise and that was super selfish of me. I beat myself up for it throughout the day and even till now. 

Especially for J and Jon who really only joined this planning for this past few weeks. I really don't deserve their support. Jon knows nothing but tried so hard to digest and he performed so well. His initiative to run and ability to sensemake is what makes him such a valuable addition to us. I briefed him for 5 minutes and he already knew what to do and completed it so well. J was supposed to only "help where needed" but ended up executing my entire set up for me, while I got caught up with walk-through... because my plans weren't clear enough apparently (its a reader problem) and had to be there to explain.

And especially so for R who ended up being deployed for 10 hours because I fucked things up (I really did). She isn't supposed to go through that but I put her through it.

And for H? Oh my god, I don't even know where to start. From him guiding me through baby steps ("First, you send an email to these people - I'll send you samples; then you do this, and that, and now you draft a timeline - by this date you need to do this and that"), then to offering tangible help by taking over some tasks and sometimes just pure company. Having him around was a 定心丸. H often says I remind him of himself. The nightmares and anxiety and adrenaline. 

I'll share the moments where I exploded internally with gratitude - like when Mob in MobPsycho went 999% for his Master.

D-1

H was with us through the setup and went home at 2am. Mind you, he was gonna get deployed the next day.

D day

At 7am, before I woke from my pathetic nap on the floor, he texted a jiayou and said its my first event, told me "You got this!" These are words I don't hear from anyone else. And I'm such a sucker for words of affirmation.

At 950am, he checked in again asking how I am holding up. I'm not okay. Told me to hang in there.

At 1018am H said he's coming to find me. Which was honestly unexpected given he would be deployed later in the day. But he came over anyway down to site and helped me with coordination. And it was during the messiest of the messiest time of the day, so seeing him actually made me want to burst into tears because my anxiety is at my all time peak. When he told me to just go do my things and he'd take over the rest, I said a loud thank you. As soon as the words left my mouth, i found myself on the verge of tearing (from thankfulness not panic).

At 12 before he left he sent another "just cheering u up and giving u support!" 

At 430 when we met again he immediately walked over to ask how's everything. This was when I was so uneasy because Jon was handling my shit on the road.

At 6 he asked me if I have eaten. I told him I didn't have an appetite. He then opened a packet drink and made me finish it. Treating me exactly the way I needed - getting me to eat was a big task, so just ask me to do something small and I'll acede. Then shortly after, something happened and he worked on it right away and calling all his SOS helplines.

At about 7 onwards I was half in daze but fully on adrenaline in cp. He gave me a nudge on my shoulder and reminded me my event is 80% done. At one point I just looked at him and J, thought of R and Jon back at site in sweat and dirt because of my poor planning, I had tears welling in my eyes.

Then at 11 he went back, but returned at 1230am just to accompany us with the tear-down. And our bosses came down too to eat a 2am Macdonalds together. Everyone was very happy that I was finally eating and joking around.

At 5am I just thanked everyone for helping me. I feel so touched.

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Typing and reading these made me teared. Cry from feeling touched. Really blessed to have such strong team who really tirelessly support me and are dedicated to the mission. 

I am so overwhelmed with guilt and gratitude and I don't even know if these words are contradicting. They sit strange together, but are brewing in my cauldron of my mind. Oh, to be on the receiving end of such support. The sense of indebtedness is significant. To be showered with tangible assistance and even more moral support.

Part of me feels like I've failed in some way, forcing them to pick up my slack and having to sacrifice themselves. The extra hours, the shifted priorities, the stress they might have absorbed on my behalf.

But the light of gratitude shines brighter. Their selflessness, their willingness to help, and their pure kindness. I really pride myself to be part of such a supportive team.

I want to be that kind of teammate for them, always.